The Dungeon Diaper

Collected for easier perusal from an epic G+ thread, with creative assistance from Jeff Rients, Aaron Gordon, Matthew Burack, Ray Case, and Nick Peterson. Adventurers, being an unseemly and greedy lot, will check anything for treasure. This table answers the timeless question:

What’s inside this diaper I found in the dungeon?
001: The diaper grabs hold of you. It's a mimic!
002: The diaper is actually a heavily folded scroll wrapped around wadding. Roll 1d4 to determine the number of spells, and 1d4 to determine their level; there is a 35% chance that the scroll is soiled in such a way that the effects of the spells are reversed against the user. 
003: That's no baby. It's a kobold. 
004: Golden egg worth d4 x 50gp
005: Color pool
006: Living Poop (As 1/2 HD Black Pudding, but greenish-yellow.)
007: False alarm, or so it seems. So long as the diaper is worn, it is never apparently soiled. 
008: Diaper of Holding: Contents spew forth when removed.
009: Contents are magenta. Be concerned. 
010: This diaper conceals an alchemical trap. It bursts into flame when removed.
011: What the f have you been eating?!? - odd color
012: What the f have you been eating?!? - odd smell
013: What the f have you been eating?!? - odd texture
014: What the f have you been eating?!? - odd sound
015: What the f have you been eating?!? - odd taste?!?
016: Psychic poop inspires strong, inappropriate emotion in all observers.
017: That shit is radioactive...literally.
018: How did that get in there? - avocado.
019: How did that get in there? - rubber ball.
020: How did that get in there? - fake poop - made of plastic.
021: How did that get in there? - fun size candy bar - still in the wrapper
022: How did that get in there? - hot wheelz car
023: How did that get in there? - live goldfish swimming in a puddle of urine
024: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid copper.
025: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid silver.
026: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid electrum.
027: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid gold.
028: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid platinum.
029: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid mithril.
030: It's shaped like a turd, but made of solid adamantine.
032: It's shaped like a turd, but made of lead.
032: It's shaped like a turd, but made of wood.
033: It's shaped like a turd, but made of charcoal.
034: fluorescent green play doh
035: It's shaped into a perfect dodecahedron.
036: It's shaped into a perfect cube.
037: It's shaped into a perfect tetrahedron.
038: A saint's portrait - very lifelike.
039: Your portrait - very lifelike.
040: A caricature of you - captures your essence in humiliating detail.
041: Golden poo encrusted with gemstones.  All who see it must Save vs. Spell or are overcome with a sudden murderous greed. Those who make the save are forever immune to the charms of the turd. Those who fail the save will stop at nothing in order to possess, protect, and hide the golden poo; new save is rolled each time they sleep until the greed curse breaks.
042: No contents, but opening the diaper creates a sound that only the opener can hear. Save vs Illusion; upon failure, the character believes they now know the secrets to life, and will rush out to tell everyone else within sight their secret. 
43: Cloudkill
044: upon opening, contents are subject to Enlarge. 
045: Baby is affected by reduce person for 1d6 hours. Poop left behind is equal to the difference in mass.
046: When diaper is removed baby flies around the room like a deflating balloon, lands safely in your arms at the end.
047: Opening the diaper creates a Gate to somewhere; everyone within 10 ft must roll Save Vs. Spell or be pulled inside. 
048: Friendly Poo Golem: Oh no! Mr. Bill!
049:  Color Spray! (hint: the color is yellow)
050: A clay that can be molded into any shape desired and then will harden into the actual item fashioned within 1d4 hours
051: Right before you close the new diaper, another turd comes out. (Repeat this 3d6 times.)
052: The smell is irresistible to (random creature type): all within 500 ft will obsessively try to get that diaper and wallow in the contents.
053:  A tiny corked bottle with a speck of paper inside.  If the paper is magnified a plea for rescue can be read.
054: A perfect sphere of obsidian, perfect for scrying and worth 2d6x5 gp.
055: 1d6 small pearls worth 1d10 each. Each pearl has a random effect if swallowed.  Roll 1d8:

1 - heal 1d6+6,

2 - hair changes to a random non-hair color,

3 - smoke billows out of your ears - obscuring other's vision in a 20 ft radius for 1d6 minutes.

4 - imparts darkvision for 1d4 months - however you are partially blinded by bright light (-4 to hit, etc),

5 - you throw up and are nauseous for 1d6 hours

6 - your charisma is permanently increased by 1

7 - due to a strange odor that stays with you, your charisma is temporarily decreased by 4 for 1d6 days.

8 - you are cured of a single affliction such as poisoning or blindness.

056: Diaper bursts apart into a flock miniature white doves...each with a brown skidmark across it's back.
057: Diaper goes poof, harmless smoke released. Even: contents disappear Odd: contents left behind
058: Diaper is made of marshmallow fluff - contents are not.
059: Diaper sticks to your hand as if super-glued.
060: Every time you open your backpack, this diaper is on top - remove curse to rid yourself of it
061: When thrown, this diaper explodes into a stinky brown version of the Web spell.
062: Is that a gemstone in there? You won't know for sure unless you dig through it. Odd: You were mistaken. Even: It's a gemstone!
063: Diaper becomes harder than steel when removed from baby. Can be used as a +1 helmet.
064: Diaper turns to acid 1d6 rounds after being removed. Burns hole 10' deep, right through whatever it was sitting on - stone, metal, anything.
065: Diaper grows dozens of little legs and scurries off like a centipede.
066-099: It's crap.
000: Roll twice on this table, or DM's choice.