Numenera: The Lung Machine and the Primicarium

This is part 2, part 1 is here and part 3 here.

Descending down a spiral ramp the party discover a body slumped against a wall. It was a man, alive but near death. On his neck gaped a set of gills. They were able to revive him by pouring water on these gills, but he was too weak to answer any questions. The stairwell opened into another large chamber, but the way was blocked by an invisible barrier. The jumble was able to push the numbing field and disable the barrier at great physical cost. He disabled the field by tearing open a panel. Atop a pedestal inside was a rectangular device bigger than a man, sitting atop a quartet of heavy wires. The machine shuddered into life as the party inspected it, lifting itself on the articulated cables and opening a door like a great mouth. It swallowed the jumble whole, bound him with metal restraints, and slammed shut with a boom. He managed to keep one arm free and began to hack at the machine with a knife.

The rest of the party tried to free him from outside, slicing through the cables and trying to force the door back open. Meanwhile, the poor jack trapped inside quickly discovered the device’s purpose as a heavy collar locked his head in place and began to remove his lungs. Yes. Remove his lungs. He was able to break free of half the collar with his knife, but the other began to auger away at his neck. The floating kid was able to slide his blade into the crack of the door and with a burst of gravitic force blew the door open. They tore the jack from the machine, slicing through the restraints in a shower of sparks and pale blue gel. The dashing man pulled the stricken jack free then destroyed the machine with a flurry of crossbow bolts into its internal mechanics. The pitiful jack scrabbled at the collar around his neck for a moment before pulling it free, trailing several feet of tubing from the long slits cauterized cleanly on his neck.

The man had gills. Only one set. That pulsed ineffectually in the thin air on one side of his neck.

Everyone freaked out for a moment then.

Picking over the remains of the Lung Machine they discovered an artifact, another collar. They discovered it would work like as a gas exchange, and returning to the dying man in the hall fitted it around his neck. It unfolded like a jacobean ruff and almost immediately color began to return to the man’s face. He introduced himself as Gabex, a numenera hunter who had traveled to these ruins with a group. All he could remember was pushing through the field, then everything going black. He begged the group to take him along, and they let him follow along behind.

Finding no other exits they went back outside to try the other passage. The other passage smelled of woodsmoke. A wide room beyond had been turned into a camp, the remains of a fire smoldered on the pale floor, and gear and blankets were strewn about. Also a body, chewed up like the remains at Genson’s steading. Beyond was a long hall with several adjoining rooms, some broken open, some still sealed. In one room they found large cubes of ancient material that horn when touched and seemed lighter than they should have been for their size. Using a cypher they looked through the walls, and decided to break into a chamber of deep blue pools. This proved to be something of a mistake as the water in the pools animated and attempted to drown the group. They were able to keep the water weirds at bay with their esoteries, and managed to sneak past them and collect a cache of cyphers from a pool of acid by luring the weirds into it.

In another room they found a long silvery device made of coiled cables and plates nearly 8 feet long, resting on a series of short pedestals. On one end it had something like a saddle but in the place of reigns it had only a series of inset holes in a mysterious pattern. By experimentation with the holes the group discovered that it could be made to float into the air. Deciding to leave it for further study later, they traveled further along the hallways to a spiral ramp that led upward. They found dark cylinders filled with dark shapes In alcoves set in the outer wall of the ramp. When touched they began to dissolve, releasing one of the dark creatures that attacked them at the farm. Turning to flee they found their way blocked by more of the flying things descending from the ramp above!

JOESKY TAX

The Lung Machine (Level 5)

Gill Ruff

This slab-like machine moves about on four thick articulated cables. It has a large door on its front which is usually leaves ajar, tempting the curious to investigate. Its original programming corrupted eons ago, and now it lies in wait like a crocodile. It will attempt to snap up anyone who comes close (GM Intrusion.) PCs have one round to escape before the Lung Machine’s  internal restraints lock in place. After that it will begin to bore out the character’s lungs and replace them with a set of gills. This takes 5 rounds and will deal 2 Might damage a round. If deactivated the Lung Machine contains 5 cypers including a Gill Ruff, a device worn around the neck that allows a gilled humanoid to breathe air safely. Should the machine be more drastically dispatched the ruff has a 50% of being damaged and unusable.

The Primicarium

Taking the form of a seven foot long needle composed of tightly wrapped cables and plates, the Primicarium is a flying machine from a lost age. It has a saddle-like indentation at one end inset with a series of deep holes in a precise configuration. These are actually controls for ascent, descent, and speed, and with some experimentation anyone can learn to pilot the vehicle. It handles and accelerates slowly, but the upper limit is beyond a human’s ability to stay on. On discovery it will have power for up to 1d6 hours of flight, after which it will become inert. Refueling a Primicarium is an adventure in itself.

Primicarium controls

Numenera: the Scuttling Vivisctors and the Aquarium

For the last few months I've been running Numenera. It’s been a lot of fun, the system is light enough to grasp immediately but with enough hooks and crunchy bits to keep it all from feeling too samey. It’s setting drifts far enough from standard fantasy to let me go very weird early and often. The one rule my brain can never remember is GM Intrusion. Any time you would pixel bitch or whatever a player in another game you instead offer a GM Intrusion. If they accept they get XP and bad things happen to them. If not then nothing. All those times my players should have said “We search the room!” and instead walk into certain doom I must preface with “Would you like to be hosed?” I should give my players a little flag to wave when I screw them over to remind me about it. A session report follows:

Meanwhile, in the Ninth World, word had begun to spread that a cache of numenera had been discovered somewhere outside Jaston. Being of a parochial sort the locals wouldn't touch the stuff, so traders, thieves, and greedy folk of all sorts were descending on the town. This included the party, a dashing jack in a hat, a shady nano cobbled together from spare parts and meat, and a chilling glaive wielding a glass sword. After a short stop in Jaston, long enough to piss off an entire bar, punch their way out, and pick up a floating local nanokid, they set off in the direction of the crevasse where the numenera had been found. After a day’s travel they stopped at Genson’s farm. The place was deserted, with nothing but a half-mad, badly wounded aneen still alive. The discovery of a trapdoor in the main house led them into the basement, but not before releasing a pair of shadowy, flying things into the evening air. The remains of Genson and his family were found below with horrible weals and deep bites marring their forms.
Their paranoia raised, the party barricaded themselves inside the farmhouse and set watch for the night. Soon a tremendous banging began at the windows and doors as somethings tried to force its way inside. The black squamous things had returned with their brood, forcing up the door and windows and flying inside. The group repelled the creatures with esotery and bolt, and was nearly overwhelmed before a timely kitchen fire drove the things off, leaving one of their number oozing black ichor and sparking in its death throes. The party decided to sleep the rest of the night in the open air, protected by a roaring bonfire.
After an uneasy night in the open the group continued on to the crevasse. It cut a deep scar across the rolling plains, bisecting an ancient ruin. A long hallway lay open to the air, pale stone or synth gleaming at the bottom. After a short climb they reached the closest tunnel. Through it was a large round chamber filled with glowing symbols that made slow pirouettes around the room, while smaller gleaming discs scattered and wheeled like schools of fish. The discs were attracted the party, but gave painful shocks to whoever they touched. This distracted everyone from the scuttling vivisectors hidden behind the swirling holograms. These lobster-like synthetics had arrays of scalpels and surgical tools on long articulated arms with which they attempted to implant the discs into the group’s bodies. After a confusing melee the vivisectors and most of the discs lay in pieces on the dusty floor. We ended the session there.

JOESKY TAX

The Aquarium

This circular room is full of confusing holographic displays and a cloud of schooling AI. Hiding behind the displays are scuttling vivisectors.

Schooling AI are small discs that float freely in the air and deliver jolts to whatever they touch. They are controlled by simple processes that keep them moving in schools throughout a set area. These are level 1 foes, but they cannot be hit by normal weapons. PC’s in the area of a school of these things take a point of Might damage each round from electric shock, ignoring armor.

Scuttling Vivisectors are synthetic creatures that look similar to marine lobsters, but bristle with surgical tools. They are level 2 foes, but hide at Level 3. They will attempt to implant Schooling AI discs into PC’s on a successful attack. Implanted discs deal an extra point of damage each round. PC’s with 4 or more discs implanted will be lifted into the air and all actions will be one step more difficult.

This is part 1 of 3. Part 2 is here. Part 3 is here.

From the Zones -- Brain Jelly

An entry for +John Till's From the Zones community project!

Zones are places where the laws of reality roll up like hot linoleum. One of the stranger anomalies are what has come to be known as 'brain jelly.' No physical vector has been been found but the Institutes postulate that it is the side effect of an unknown form of radiation. It has no dramatic effect, stalkers who find themselves in an area of brain jelly rarely discover so until it is far too late. The process begins slowly, a stalker might notice a blue stain on ground beside him, or a pool of azure liquid, but more likely nothing. His mind will begin to spin. This first seems natural, the highly tuned senses stalkers need to survive are especially sensitive today, but the stalker's thoughts come faster and faster. This is the first and final warning that he is in incredible danger. If he can get away from the area then he might survive. A moment later and a blue liquid will begin to slowly sweat from his head. This goes unnoticed until it begins to fill his mask or goggles, but by then it is too late. The stalker panics, blue sweat becomes rivulets as his mind races. It quickly coalesces into a jelly. This jelly is incredibly slippery, as it covers the stalker's body he becomes helpless. This slippery state is what kills most stalkers, they fall off ledges or into other anomalies, but those who rest gently have it worst, they're slowly entombed by brain jelly, suffocated by their own thoughts. By the next morning their bodies are gone, leaving only a blue stain where they lay.

I once heard of a team of scientists who ran afoul of brain jelly, it devoured even faster them as they tried to think up an escape from the clammy blue surrounding them. Only a single half-witted bodyguard made it out alive.

A PC can safely stay in an area affected by Brain Jelly up to (20-Intelligence) rounds. After that the brain jelly will begin to form. Save vs Petrify or the PC will be trapped in the blue gel and permanently lost.

Beast Kings

The Nemean lion, Jaws, the White Hart, all exemplar animals of extreme rarity and potency. These kind of singular creatures are common in story and myth. Outside of dire whatevers D&D doesn't have a lot of monsters like this, and that just makes a critter grouchy and cro magnon. We need more weirdness! When your players go into the deepest, darkest part of the forest in pursuit of something Old King Boar lies ready to repel invaders in his kingdom, and he needs more heft! This requires tables. When you create a legendary monster, beast king, ornery old thing, or what have you, roll on the Legendary Features table.

Legendary Features (roll 1d12)

1. 
   This creature is enormous for its breed, up to double the size of a normal specimen. Roll an extra 1d4 hit dice. How did it get that way? Roll 1d6, 1 Cannibalism, 2 Divine Parentage, 3 Extreme Age, 4 Eating Children, 5 Worship, 6 The King’s Sin
2. Blood-colored eyes roll madly in protruding sockets seeking life to rend and tear. +2 to hit.
3. Slavering jaws curl back from a maw packed with needle-sharp teeth. Increase bite damage by one die type (1d4 becomes 1d6, etc) or gain a bite attack at 1d4 damage
4. Baroque and terrible horns crown this animal’s brow, far larger and more ornate than its mundane kin. Increase horn damage by one die type or gain a horn attack at 1d4 damage.
5. This creature leads a group of similar animals and is always found with 1d6+1 who act as guards and concubines.
6. Many have tried to slay this beast, all have failed. Embedded in its hide are spears and arrows from ancient battles like a grim mantle. Add 1d4 to armor class
7. The flesh of this beast has turned toxic from strange sustenance or hate. Save versus poison on each blow or take an extra 1d6 damage.
8. After being wounded in battle this animal will inexorably follow its attackers. Nothing will sway the creature from its task until it has killed its targets. Whether it acts with restraint in its hunt or cuts a gruesome path depends entirely on the animal in question.
9. Sprouting from this beast's neck are 1d10 extra heads. Each two heads gives the creature an extra bite attack.
10. This creature has 1d6 extra pairs of limbs. Each pair adds an extra 5’ to its movement. Each two pairs gives the beast an extra +1 to hit.
11. When slain there is a 75% chance the creature will rise again immediately at half its original hit points. It also grows new heads and limbs if any were dismembered.
12. This creature has a strange weakness, a bane that will drive it away or destroy it utterly.

1. The touch of a virgin

2. A willow switch

3. Silver

4. Being bound in red string

5. Fresh cucumber

6. The sound of bells

7. The beast’s heart is hidden in a strange part of its body

8. Flute playing puts the beast to sleep

9. Mesmerized by an object of beauty

10. Burned by smooth river stones

Star Fails III -- Payday in the Frozen City

The Crew
Jason Slade, big damn hero
Gold-Gold-Mauve, gun-amoeba
Squishy, nee-"Greenie," eukaryote bullet-sponge
Grug-Ugh-ng, turret puncher
Private Kipley, man of action
Skrillix, squid misanthrope

by Steve Burg

Deep beneath the ice of Iota Cancri VIIIc lies a nameless, dead city. The crew crouched in the dark, a third of them blissed out on alien chemicals. Grug-Ugh-ng took the lead once again, and decided they would wait out the effects on their compatriots. After a few hours nervously watching the dark tunnels Jason and Kipley shook off the effects and the crew set off again. The ancient complex was eerily silent and heavily damaged, collapsed tunnels stymied their progress. The team might have given up were it not for the heroic leadership of the captain ordering Kipley to dig his way through. Progress went much faster from there, and the party was able to ambush a pair of harmless spacecats before being ambushed themselves by rogue defense turrets at the bottom of a stairwell. The automated defenses nearly killed Squishy, but the crew was able to pull him out of range and patch him up with Science! They both exploded a few seconds later under a barrage of bear and laser fire. Those sentries proved to be the last active defenders of the ruins, with only unstable ceilings, ancient diseases, and poison gas standing between the crew and a cache of ancient artifacts. The crew made off with an ancient statuette, a hologram, a mysterious hollow cylinder, some drugs, platinum coins, and a parachute.

Kipley, by the inestimable +Ron Power 

Stellar Piracy

The Hulks & Horrors rules mention pirates as a relatively common occurrence while surveying systems, but outside of the "Sentient Crew" encounter at the top of every table leaves the specifics up to the DM to adjudicate. I say why adjudicate when you can roll on a sweet table during system generation! Append this to your system generation process and roll out the six-inch mass drivers. And dice.

Step 3a: Determine Pirates in System
Roll 1d4, on a 1 pirates have a large presence in the system.

Roll 1d6 for each orbit, on a 1 pirates have a base at this location. Terrestrial/Dwarf: 1-2 on surface, 3-4: on moon, 5-6: space station. Gas Giant: 1-2 cloud city, 3-4 on moon, 5-6 space station. Belt: 1-2 hollow asteroid, 3-4 space station, 5-6 repurposed hulk. Deep Space Station: inside station. Artificial World: 1-5 inside construct, 6 space station.

Check for pirate encounters each time a PC vessel moves to a new orbit. Roll 1d6, on a 1 pirates have detected your vessel. If this orbit contains a pirate base an encounters occurs on a 1 to 3. The lead vessel of the crew will hail the PCs, roll on the Pirate Reaction table to determine their attitude.

Pirate Reactions (1d6)
1-2: Attack, the pirates make dire threats and engage.
3-4: Extortion, the pirates demand 1d6x1000 credits to ensure safe passage, parties unable to pay will be attacked.
5: Neutral, the pirates are kind of bored and looking to chat.
6: Friendly, the pirates are willing to impart the PCs with some system data or an item if they have the cash.

Pirate Encounters
Roll 1d3 for the number of vessels in the encounter. Roll 1d5 for the Hull Class of each pirate vessel. The total value of each should be no more than (1d4 + Hull Class) x 100,000 credits. That number is entirely arbitrary and possibly terrible, I ain't got time to stat those ships for you.

Star Fails II

I had two new players for this session of my Hulks & Horrors campaign for a total of three new characters after the rout last time. After getting the new players up to speed (and troubleshooting the mic on our Hangout bro) we picked up where we had left off, in system Iota Cancri mourning the loss of captain Keith Slade.

The Crew
Keith Slade, heroic captain (eaten by spiders)
Grug-Ugh-ng, bearman first mate
Private Kipley, space marine
Skrillix, floating squid reprobate
Newcomers
Jason Slade, acting captain
Gold-Gold-Mauve, gun-amoeba
"Greenie,"

by Axelinde

Unwilling to tarnish their leader's reputation by failing the mission Grug-Ugh-Ng took command, setting a course for the gas giant deeper in-system. Dozens of moons orbited it, but only a few held anything of value. The Daedalus detected up a Galactic Surveyor emergency beacon from a forest moon. Breaking orbit in their shuttle the group came across the wreck of a crashed ship. A trio of occupied emergency cryo-pods were found within the torn fuselage, functioning on a trickle of remaining battery power. Within the pods lay a human and two omega reticulans. After revival they introduced themselves as Jason Slade, time-traveling brother of the ex-captain on a rescue mission to save Keith (arriving too late!) Gold-Gold-Mauve ("GolGol"), and "Greenie." The crew was also able to scavenge survey data from the crashed ship's computer. That left only a two planetoids for study, a stone planet of blood-red rivers (which the group deemed "too metal") or an ice world. They set course for the winter wonderland, and once in orbit discovered that ancient cities covered the small moon, buried beneath almost unbroken glaciers.

Landing their shuttle on a ridge above a large crevasse, the crew clambered into a tunnel leading into the frozen city. The architecture was unfamiliar, reminiscent of ceramic with a tendency toward organic curves and peaked ceilings. The tunnels were full of jellyfish-like creatures, which seemed harmless enough until Jason caught a face-full of soporific powder released from creatures, rendering him helpless but very happy. In retaliation the crew reduced the creatures to bubbling heaps on the floor. The team tied him to the shoulders of Kipley cyberpod heavy armor, where he'd be least likely to harm himself or anyone else. Things went downhill from there. Every room seemed to include more of the floaters, and they soon lost Kipley to the creatures' mind-effecting compound as well.

Will the crew fight something other than pitiful 1HD jellyfish monsters?

Will they find anything worth looting??

Will the time travel thread ever be revisited???

Who is the man in black????

Jacking In

Hulks and Horrors is a scifi retroclone combining the human-scale ruleset of D&D with a stripped down Traveller stellar model. It comes equipped with some amazing tables for generating adventuring locations, from the macro game of sector exploration to the smallest underground bunker or space station. You can be a bearman or a floating squid and pilot a Winnebago bristling with nuclear missiles. It is the best, and I've just started running it! H&H paints its universe with a broad brush, so when I see at the bottom of Complex room table an entry for "VR Access Node" and nothing more it demands I make a table for what terrible misfortune befalls whoever jacks in!

Accessing VR Nodes

The Ancients left behind technological wonders of infinite variety, some of the more common pieces of tech are virtual reality systems. These sophisticated systems were used for education, simulation, entertainment, even basic maintenance of the facilities they were part of.

Node Technology (1d6) 

1. Headset and Gloves
2. Holographic Interface
3. Cranial Jacks (1 damage/use)
4. Psychic Mechanism
5. Cybernetic Cocoon
6. Memetics

Figuring out the Ancient technology and successfully accessing a node requires a INT check.

VR Effects (1D12)

1. All doors on this floor unlock.
2. All doors on this floor open.
3. All doors on this floor lock.
4. Knowledge floods your brain. +2 to all checks to use technology in this complex.
5. Alarm sounds, attracting nearby monsters. They arrive in 1d3 turns.
6. Location of the nearest loot.
7. Psychedelic mimetics fry your psyche for 1d6 damage.
8. Simulation of infinite space populated by Precursor ghosts.
9. Defense protocol summons 1d4+1 Servicebots to repel intruders. They arrive in 1d4 turns.
10. A map of this level is downloaded into your brain.
11. The defense system activates. Roll a hazard for this room.
12. The node temporarily overwrites your language centers, you speak only a forgotten Precursor dialect for 1d6 hours.

Tomb of the Rocket Men!

Gusty over at Dungeon of Signs has been running a contest for a map of the Tomb of the Rocket Men. This is my take on it! If I ever run the thing myself I will absolutely jam pack that pristine rocket with cosmic horrors.

Prismatic Wings

I desperately want a better word for butterfly than butterfly to use in this post. Butterfly is like the limpest name for a critter that, at least in my campaign, is big and scary and cast spells willy-nilly. Lepidopterans sounds too formal, and using foreign words just seems cheap. However, the Russian babochka is far and away the coolest sounding word for them I could find.


The wizards of Ig don't wear pointy hats. Wizards wear robes and capes and turbans and queer haberdashery of iridescent moth-wing  This is because butterflies and moths are natural spell casters not out of any knowledge of their own, but due to the markings on their wings. The pattern of colorful scales on their wings form mandalas, sigils, and the true names of all things. A solitary normal butterfly or moth is harmless, but a sufficiently large swarm (rabble) resonates magically, so many wings brushing together builds up an esoteric charge that can be released at any shock to the group. The spells released scale in proportion to the amount of number of individuals in the rabble. A wizard wearing specially fashioned robes, cloaks, or masks will find his mystical abilities heightened by the wings.

Moth-wing Gear
Any gear crafted from butterflies or moths is lumped together in the catch-all of "moth-wing." This type of clothing can only be crafted by a wizard, and at no small cost. However, a wizard wearing a full suit gains a +3 to resist offensive spells and +3 to all spell checks as well as providing several mystical abilities. Moth-wing provides no bonus to AC.
Moth-wing Hat: Often taking the form of a turban bedecked in scintillating wings or simply the decapitated head of a giant moth hollowed out and made into a cap. A moth-wing hat provides a +1 bonus to all spell checks and saves. The wearer can also be used to cast Speak with Insects 2/day Cost: 400gp and 5 HD in butterflies/moths
Moth-wing Cloak: Usually made from giant wings sewn in a fashionably gaudy cape. A moth-wing hat provides a +1 bonus to all spell checks and saves. The wearer can also cast Color spray 1/day. Cost: 600 gp and 10 HD in butterflies/moths
Moth-wing Robes: A moth-wing hat provides a +1 bonus to all spell checks and saves. The wearer can also cast Featherfall 2/day. Cost: 900 gp and 15 HD in butterflies/moths




Butterfly Rabble: Init +4; Atk none (but see SP); AC 9; HD 1d8+; MV fly 40'; Act special; SP random spells, half damage from non-area attacks; SV Fort +0, Ref +6, Will +0; AL C.

For DCC the rabble can cast a random spell of a level up to the number of HD they have. It casts this spell with a spell check bonus equal to half its current HP. For mores standardized systems, consider it to have spell slots equal to a magic user of equal HD, with the spell taking up as many slots as possible.

Carapace Crafting

Spurred to action by Anarchycore and challenged by the inestimable Ian Johnson for what you see below. I present two systems for crafting weapons and armor from giant insects!

The Boring Way
Kill a number of HD of bugs of the appropriate armor class, spend some gold on other necessary materials like straps and hooks, and spend days equal to the AC bonus crafting and BOOM armor. This is boring. Don’t use it.

Armor Type	Type of Insect	Cost (gp)	HD required
Leather	AC10+	10	3
Studded Leather	AC11+	23	4
Hide	AC12+	15	5
Scale Mail	AC13+	40	6
Chainmail	AC14+	75	7
Banded Mail	AC15+	125	8
Half-Plate	AC16+	225	9
Full-Plate	AC17+	600	10
Shield	AC12+	5	2

The Epic Risky Way
Each slain giant insect can be carved down to its raw material (chitin) for crafting. Each carcass breaks down into chitin plates equal to its HD-1d6 (the Beat to Death by Ruffians Tax). A certain amount of chitin is required for each type of item, but extra plates may be included in the attempt. Each extra plate increases the chance of success by 5%. All materials are consumed whether the attempt is successful or not.

Armor Type	% to Craft	Materials required
Leather	40	4
Studded Leather	35	5
Hide	30	6
Scale Mail	25	7
Chainmail	20	8
Banded Mail	15	9
Half-Plate	10	12
Full-Plate	5	15
Shield	50	2

Weapon Type	% to Craft	Materials required
Battleaxe	20	5
Blackjack	85	2
Blowgun	85	2
Club	80	3
Dagger	70	2
Flail	60	3
Handaxe	60	2
Javelin	50	3
Lance	40	4
Longbow	40	5
Longsword	50	5
Mace	75	3
Polearm	20	4
Shortbow	50	5
Short sword	70	3
Spear	45	3
Staff	70	2
Two-handed sword	20	5
Warhammer	45	5
Dart	80	1 (per 6)
Arrow	75	1 (per 4)

Edge-cases of Supreme Insight
If the crafter rolls 99~100 some quirk of the crafting process or the material has created an item of incredible quality. Weapons counts as +1 to hit and damage. Armor counts as one rank better.

Magical Sandwiches

2. Ham and Save or Die, save or die
3. Aboleth Tartine, counts as potion of ESP
4. Witch Hoagie, cursed!
5. Dragon Dagwood, causes dragon breath!
6. Vampire Sub, lose 1d4 hp from bloodloss
7. Goblin Dip, catch a disease
8. Beholder Club, eyes project antimagic field for one hour
9. Elfaletta, succulent but lacking in substance
10. Sloppy Jackalwere, Polymorph Self
11. Grilled Ooze, you just ate a grey ooze
12. Ethereal BLT, counts as oil of etherealness
13. Flumpher-nutter, Stinking Cloud
14. Gorgon BBQ, 10’ cloud, save vs. spell or turn to stone
15. Myconid Burger, it’s vegan! Trip balls for 1d6 hours
16. Devil Torta, save versus spell or change to CE alignment
17. Unicorn Wrap, regain all HP, if you call that living
18. Kobold slider, disagrees with you terribly
19. Doppleganger Dip, it looks delicious, but it’s not! Take the form of a random being within 100’
20. Blue Chicken club, your head takes on the appearance of a large blue chicken
21. Reuben sandwich, perfect in every way
22. Crow gyro, you feel nauseous for the next 1d6 hours
23. T-rex steak and entire loaf of bread, save versus poison, on a fail you throw it all up, on a success you gain 1d3 points of Strength
24. Fried Brain, any mindflayers within 5 miles can inerrantly track the smell of your breath
25. Monty Cristo, gain 1d10x250 gp and xp

For +Ian Johnson's ANARCHYCORE full-frontal Santicore rip-off plus insult comedy plus random RPG content wunderthread. I drew the lidless eye of +Claytonian JP who requested this mess.